Thursday, March 14, 2013

Idol Top 10: Guys Who Have Nothing

Candice Glover does justice to one of Haley Reinhart's signature songs

Well, they are who we thought they were.

All season long, it's been transparently obvious that the Nigels That Be (NTB) were bound and determined to have a female winner, even if it meant neutering and mutilating the male field into nothing but pixie dust.

Mission accomplished, NTB. This night, like all nights this season, belonged completely to the gals, while the "guys" (if you can call this effeminate collection of warbling pansies "guys") were little more than stage props assuming the fodder position.

Oh, and speaking of worthless stage props, let's end the Nicki Minaj, NOW! She shows up 30 minutes late? Really? She's being paid millions of dollars and can't bring herself to show up for her measly couple hours of work...on NATIONAL TV, before the live cameras role?

Fuck her. She needs to be fired, pronto. You don't pull that kind of shit on the flagship show of the network. It's bad enough that she makes no sense, has a nasal, grating voice even more annoying than Fran Drescher, can't sing for shit, and doesn't contribute an ounce of authenticity to this bloated, chemistry-free panel of tools faithfully spewing the NTB's official marching orders.

With all that said, it is worth noting there were a couple memorable performances, some that were just OK, and, of course, a few train wrecks. Therefore, allow me to break the Top 10 Idol performance night on down in best to worst order... Kenny Poo style!

* * * *

1. Candice Glover: "I Who Have Nothing"
If Jordin Sparks was the innocent, heartbroken girl sadly crying her way through the song, and Haley Reinhart was the hot, sultry mistress stalking her two-timing prey, then Candice Glover was the furious woman primed to wipe the floor with the cheating fool who did her wrong. Therefore, I shall not compare any of the three versions. They are each performed from different perspectives, and all delivered brilliantly.

[NOTE: For the record, if you did force me to pick just one, I'd never choose against my Haley Poo. Capice?]

Now, in my opinion, Candice delivered the first true "moment" of the season, and solidified herself as the early One to beat. It was just so real, so sassy, so angry, so powerful, so perfectly on key...I just loved it. This number richly deserved the standing ovation that it got.

2. Amber Holcomb - "Moment Like This"
Her voice is effortlessly beautiful, she's tall, thin and pretty, and tonight she once again nailed an extremely difficult song so easily it seems like she's giving maybe 20% of her full abilities. It's amazing, but it could also become a detriment if she isn't careful. Looking relaxed and cool while blandly delivering high-degree-of-difficulty ballads may also cause the audience to be relaxed, cool and blasé. She did show a few moments of sass tonight, and if she can draw out more of that attitude while she sings the sky is the limit for Amber.

3. Kree Harrison - "Crying"
Not my favorite night from Kree. Crying is a boring song that I've never liked. In fact, I don't like Roy Orbison music, period. He bores me. Tonight, Kree bored me. the song moved too slow, she had no emotion, took no chances, and had no sass. I've been rooting for Kree because she's the one contestant whose music is in a genre I'd buy (provided she stays more folk rock than twang country), and I adore her tone, but she needs to step it up again. Give us more energy, passion, and for God's sake no more Roy Orbison.

4. Janelle Arthur - "Gone"
Have not been a fan of Janelle's voice since the beginning, and tonight it was still a bit flawed, but AT LEAST she sang a song that was uptempo and had ENERGY. I was so starved for some action tonight that I'm willing to overlook some vocal imperfections and reward her with a 4th.

[NOTE: Remember Haley shaking her perfect ass to the "bang-bangs" of "Gone" on the AI10 tour? That was NOICE]

5. Angie Miller - "I Surrender"
Jimmy Iovene called her a pageant bot! Go Jimmy! Go Jimmy! It's your birthday!! So, how did Angie respond? By choosing one of THE biggest pageant ballads of all time. It's a huge song, and other than Kelly and Celine, nobody else should be permitted to try it. Angie is pretty, and has a wafer thin voice with a nice tone, so she needs to stay coloring within the lines to have a shot. Keep picking monster diva songs and she'll be out on her Christian Contemporary ass before the Top 5.

6, 7, 8: Burnell, Devin, Paul - Boring Ballads
These three each gave uninspiring, safe, dull performances that don't merit individual attention in my review. To each of them, I say blah, blah, blah, zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...

9. Curtis Finch - I Believe
Until this week's performance, Curtis has been the douche with the magical voice. Tonight, he was douche sans magic. His voice failed him, the song was terrible, and he wore a retardulous sport coat. Curtis could be in deep danger of elimination.

10. Lazaro Arbos - Breakaway
Comically bad. Sanjaya bad. Atrocious from beginning to end, and butchered the song's arrangement. Putrid. He's been bad since the beginning, and remains terrible. Lazaro really needs to GTFO, but because of his pimped back story, stuttering, and very effeminate good looks, I think he might sneak in another week over bad edit Curtis.

* * * *
REMINDER: Phillip Phillips will bring some much needed testosterone to the Idol stage Thursday night, and perform his new hit single Gone, Gone, Gone. You don't want to miss this; Phil always crushes it live!

~Kenny Poo


  1. Sir, enjoy the blog as usual, i so often concur with your observations.
    Candace, Amber & Kree are the clear front running ladies, but the voting demographic could favor Angie, time will tell.
    I would love Burnell to sing a song that I have heard before, ie Heard it thru the grapevine, just to have some comparison to all the ballady songs eveyone is singing. (Song choices suck btw)
    I agree with you about Nicki, annoying nasal-ly voice. Most of her critiques are in some cryptic code only she understands, boot her, (and that requires a big boot)
    Lastly, are they really paying Mariah a boatload of $ just to come up with one word utterances, 'stellar', "ah come on man"

    1. Wow, I'm now "Sir Kenny Poo"? Thanks, Bluffs! :)