Thursday, April 25, 2013

Douchano Baggone Brings The Cheese

The Douchano Baggone clothing and accessories line

Question: For the love of fuck, why the fuck was douchebaggary's poster boy, Stefano Langone, on American Idol last night? He finished way back in 7th place 2 YEARS AGO, was just on last year to promote his first shitty single, still has no post-idol album, released two ridiculous singles that have gone absolutely nowhere on radio, yet he's given the Grande Montage followed by a live performance of his most recent flop single, Yes To Love (SEE: New Music:  Stefano - Yes To Love

Predictably, the beloved blogger extraordinaire, Sir Lord Baron Kenny of Poo, was nauseated at the sight of Fano Le Douche warbling his way through another formula pop track for no apparent reason. Is Nigel so desperate to distance himself from last season's winner, multi-platinum smash sensation Phillip Phillips, that he's willing to cast a nobody poser whose biggest distinction since his Idol year is hating Phillip Phillips (SEE: Phillips Punks Haters)??

Was Crystal Bowersox (whose amazing new album, All That For This, was just released 3 weeks ago) for some reason unavailable? For that matter, were all the artists who finished Top 3 on Idol the past 11 years unavailable?

I know my girl Haley Reinhart is on a FOX Idol promotion assignment in SE Asia right now, so how perfect would it be to have her on in the final weeks to discuss the journey with a montage, and then bang out a tune? Can't tell me the babe of babes with the smokey voice wouldn't spike ratings.

Actually, how about Pia Toscano? Her shocking elimination from Season 10 still remains one of the biggest stories in show history, plus it's ladies year on Idol, she's in need of a break, is beyond gorgeous, has a beautiful voice, lives in LA, sings the NA for the Kings, and has a huge concert with Jennifer Hudson and Jordin Sparks tonight to promote (Diva's In The Desert). Oh, and her 205k followers on twitter is roughly 120k more than Baggo Douchone, so don't tell me he's somehow more popular.

All this made watching Summersevo Doucheone mumble his way through that forgettable, bland, mid-tempo, cheese fest puzzling and somewhat offensive. It wasn't so much the song being lame that got to me (it's certainly more tolerable than anything that's ever come out of Skanky Minage's wretched pie hole), but  how undeserving it is to have him on the show getting unearned star treatment. If not a past winner, one would think such spots should be reserved for those releasing an album, or having some industry success to celebrate, or has an interesting narrative to profile, or is returning to the Idol stage after a long time away, yet he has none of this on his resume.

Bottom line: I just don't have a clue why he was on my TV. Not sure who Femininehygieno Baggadouche had to blow to land this gig, but, watching him smarm in that montage, with his non-Rx glasses and grating smirk, I couldn't help but check to see if I could find some leftover jizz residue stuck on his face.

That's how I see it. What did you think of Stefano's performance?

Kenny Poo out.

Wednesday, April 17, 2013

New Music: Gin Wigmore Rocks Gravel and Wine

New Zealand's Gin Wigmore is a lot of badass fun

So, I was perusing the new music releases over on iTunes a couple weeks back and stumble across this chick with a wild name and sexy/sophisticated album cover. Do I check it out?

Does the Pope shit in the woods?

Is the bear Catholic?

Yes, of course I check it out, and what I found in the preview clips is one cool, bizarre album. Gravel and Wine features Gin's extremely unique voice with music influences of 50's doo-wop, 80's new wave, blues and swing jazz. Imagine a wild fusion of Amy Winehouse, Billy Holiday and Toni Basil (Hey Mickey) that somehow comes together to form a very weird, wild, fierce, blistering, endearing, funny collection of bad ass sweetness.


Well, in many ways it is perplexing, but she still brings it all together somehow. One moment I'm thinking Gin's voice is annoying as shit, and the next I think she's absolutely brilliant. It's a study in contradictions from beginning to end, and I think that's exactly what Gin was going for.

My favorite song on the album is the opener, Black Sheep (see above). It's hot, tough, nasty, bluesy, rocking, yet she never takes herself too seriously. Following that is Man Like That, which is a fantastic, jump-out-of-your-chair, swing jazz number that's absolutely infectious.

Next up are the theatrical, Halloweenish numbers Poison, Kill Of The Night and Devil In Me. Love how she plays around with these songs in a playful yet naughty way.

If Only represents a sharp change of pace, where she transitions from the ghoulishly dirty to a soft and tender sock hop styling.  It throws you for a loop, continuing the delightfully unpredictable twists and turns of the album that continue throughout.

Dirty Love gets back in that dirty groove again, while Happy Ever After offers a swampy, bluesy romp where Gin again sings about ghoulish plans for Mr. Wrong. Love it from the opening bars.

Saturday Smile is a slow, forgettable, sappy ballad that I could do without. The gratuitous, plodding, melodramatic "Undone" type song (my fellow Haley Reinhart fans will understand the reference) that I just can't stand. My guess is the label pushed her to include that one, just as I believe my Haley got shoved into adding her token sap ballad on her eclectic and creative debut album Listen Up!

Moving right along, Sweet Hell gets back to Gin's fun, feisty rocker style, while Singing My Soul slows things down in an acoustic, folky, yummy way. Love the way Gin grinds out the gravel in her voice on this one.

Don't Stop is the final track, and ties things together nicely with a happy, uptempo mood that's a perfect way to finish up the album. Leaves a good taste in your mouth and vibe in your head.

Again, I credit Gin for being such a different kind of artist, who loves to push buttons, get sexy, then twist it all around in unpredictable fashion, yet never becomes pretentious or phony. It's unlike any other album I own, and yet it has elements of everything in my collection. Gin pushes envelopes, but in a way that's intelligent, tasteful, and puts a smile on your face.

I couldn't loop Gravel & Wine repeatedly (like I'm doing now with Crystal Bowersox's amazing new LP All That For This) because the sound would get annoying after awhile, but it's a fantastic change of pace album that is worth every penny. Big props to Gin for writing and recording one wildly creative LP that stands out like a stunning, shimmering gemstone in a sea filled with dull, sound-alike crap.

One final interesting tidbit. About a week after buying Gravel and Wine I came to learn she'll be opening for Phillip Phillips on his headliner tour. Being a MONSTER P2 fan, let me say this combo is fucking perfect.

~Kenny Poo

Friday, April 12, 2013

Friday Rant: NHL and Gay Activism

Time for Kenny Poo to get a big, giant, politically incorrect rant off his chest. Normally I stay in my music bubble here, but the announcement that the NHL has adopted a formal policy of gay activism has given me rocket fuel to blast off with. Here is a snippet of the article:

“I’m very proud that the National Hockey League and NHL Players Association are the ones taking this step and breaking new ground,” Philadelphia Flyers scout and YCP co-founder Patrick Burke told THN late Thursday morning.
“The big shift is that this is a professional sports league saying not that, ‘We tolerate you,’ not that, ‘We’ll deal with it if we need to,’ but that they’re inviting us in. It’s exciting.”
“Our motto is ‘Hockey Is For Everyone,’ and our partnership with You Can Play certifies that position in a clear and unequivocal way,” added NHL commissioner Gary Bettman.
“While we believe that our actions in the past have shown our support for the LGBT community, we are delighted to reaffirm through this joint venture with the NHL Players’ Association that the official policy of the NHL is one of inclusion on the ice, in our locker rooms and in the stands.”

WTF? Look, I'm not the least bit homophobic or homophyllic (and probably only borderline homosapien). In fact, I personally don't give two shits if someone prefers same sex fornication, and I loathe bullying of all kinds, but I DON'T want or need sexual activism shoved in my face by the National Hockey League.

Is it really asking so much to relegate the hot-button social issues to the news channels and political blogoshpere? I certainly don't need my little kids being bombarded with gay marriage campaigns, gay activism commercials, AIDS awareness, gay rights public service announcements, and NHL Pride Month celebrations. It's fucking sports, people, can we not have a single haven from special interest bullshit?


WTF is going on in this world? What's next, NARAL sponsoring a pro-abortion montage between periods (pardon the pun)? Is there no good taste anymore? No lines drawn between when and where you engage in divisive political action campaigns?

BTW, as long as I'm ranting, I also don't need to see anymore anti-smoking commercials where grossly disfigured cancer patients are paraded around like carnival freaks to make us sick. Oh, and the ubiquitous erectile dysfunction ads depicting elderly couples sharing the intimate pleasures of their sex life (along with all the gruesome contraindications) are so fucking annoying and inappropriate I want to vomit in their bathtub.

For that matter, enough with the breast cancer awareness, too. Since when are cancers of certain body parts more worthy of our attention and money than others? Cancer strikes in infinitely different ways, and is a horrific disease that impacts us all, but making it about breasts and women somehow makes it more cause célèbre. It's fucked up and wrong. Breast cancer is not one iota more or less tragic than any other body part cancer, so let's just get rid of the breasts and pink ribbons and make the campaign about CANCER AWARENESS.

Basically, what I would like is a society where we compartmentalize our sensitive subjects a bit more. Some decency brought back to the world. There's a time and place for everything, but now it seems the time and place divisions are not just blurred but eradicated, shoved in our face 24/7, and crammed up our ass wherever we look whether we want it or not.

Coming soon: Disney and KY announce a partnership for orgasm awareness.

OK, I've probably pissed enough people off for one day. Let me know what you think. Am I way off base? Right on the money? Not sure what to make of me? Am I desperately in need of scotch?

Rant off.

~Kenny Poo

Wednesday, April 10, 2013

Beautifabulicious Haley Poo Jazzes Up Spoken Funk

As perhaps the world's most passionate believer in Haley Reinhart's jazz chops, I always feel compelled to promote any jazz performance she gives for the greater good of mankind. You see, it's not about me, it's not about my needs, it's not about my selfish pursuit of happiness. No, it's about giving others the opportunity to soak in her goodness and make the world a better place.

After all, I'm but a selfless, modest and humble man with incredible taste in music, fantastic wit, great looks, brilliant observations, irresistible personality, impeccable character, etc, etc...Thus, you know that what I'm saying here is honest, truthful and all about helping others. Especially children, puppies, kittens and butterflies in need.

But I digress... The real point here is the beautifabulicious Haley Poo visited the Spoken Funk comedy/poetry/entertainment club in SoCal the other night, and, by popular request, agreed to leave the audience and jump on stage for an impromptu performance. Much to my delight, and likely the delight of God Himself, Haley chose the jazz/blues Etta James classic "At Last". 

Yes, loyal readers, that's the same "At Last" Haley dedicated to Kenny Poo back in October.

After engaging in some fun banter on stage with the club host, and securing a "million dollar t-shirt prize", Haley beautifully sang "At Last" completely a capella. Her rich, luscious voice absolutely filled the room with oozing goodness. Nobody can style jazz/blues notes like Haley, and she planted that head shaking, "lordy, lordy", blown away look on every face in the joint. Unfortunately, it was cut a bit short when she forgot the lyrics midway through, but she played it off so adorably with playful humor and her million dollar smile that, if anything, it made her performance even more endearing.

Note to Haley: Every time you perform jazz something special happens. Overwhelmingly positive reviews, responses, publicity, great connections that lead to Carnegie Hall, etc. It's no accident, girl. Your natural gifts in jazz are NOT just for us "older" people to enjoy. Talent is talent, and industry awards, glowing artistic recognition and booming record sales are all just a sultry jazz album away. Believe in yourself, and believe your gifts were given to you for a reason. To paraphrase Darth Vader, "Haley, it is your destiny."

Anyway, check out the video above, peeps. I know you'll be taken by the charms, fun-loving vibe, and good looks she brought to the stage, and props to Spoken Funk for being such a first class operation.

That's all for me. What say you?

~Kenny Poo

Monday, April 8, 2013

Douchebag Hater Of Phillips Gets Punked By Poo

Time for Kenny Poo to tear apart another assfuck hack who bashes Phillip Phillips victory for being symptomatic of all that's wrong with American Idol. It's from The Examiner, and the douche who wrote the load of shit is Phillip Pulliam. Click here for the whole article. Below are the relevant parts about Phillips, and Pulliam's ridiculous mug for all to make into a dart board.

"During the 2012 season of American Idol we all believed so strongly that Jessica Sanchez, Joshua Ledet, and Holly Cavanaugh would be our top three contenders to become our 2012 American Idol. However, what I call the teenie boop vote (young girls between ages of 13-23 with 10 emails address and the energy to vote an infinite amount of times for the cutest guy) pushed Phillip Phillips through to the American Idol finals to become the American Idol 2012 lack luster recording artist. The teenie booper vote is about 45% of American Idol viewers.

American Idol promised us changes for the 2013 season that would weed out the teenie boop vote, but nothing has changed. Last nights results were a shocking reality. All the judges agreed that top contenders for American Idol 2013 should be, Amber, Angie, Candice, and Kree. If you have been watching the show you would probably agree that these girls sing their faces off. But, American Idol has not been a singing contest for the last several years. The teenie boop vote has diminished American Idol into a popularity contest where less than average singers like Kris Allen, Lee DeWyze, Scott McCreery, and Phillip Phillips can win American Idol because they are the “cute looking white dudes” that the teenie boopers love to support."

 *  *  *  *

Kenny Poo Response:

Yo, Pulliam, 46 yo male "teeny booper" here who voted for Phillip Phillips on Idol, bought his singles from the show, album after, and remain a big fan who is seeing him in concert for the 2nd time next month. Just thought you should know he has the best selling record of any Idol alum in history, and an album that's well on its way to platinum, so put that in your crack pipe and smoke it.

Meanwhile, Jessica Sanchez, who you championed, has no traction whatsoever on radio or in sales with her music. Nothing against her, I hope she finds success, but that's reality. Joshua and Holly, lovely and talented kids that they are, remain unsigned and are searching for record deals. 

The real problem with Idol this year isn't just Lazaro per se, but the deliberate manipulation of the male cast by the show's producers. By selecting an intentionally wretched and effeminate group of male finalists in the hope of landing a female winner to appease whining crybabies like you, they created a show that lacks real drama, and Lazaro is the shit that happens.

In short, P2's not the problem with the show, people like YOU are the problem. All your bitching made this crap season possible, and now you can suck on it. If anything, Phillips is the last, best hope of legitimacy that Idol can fall back on if it hopes to survive after this season's shark jump.

You should bow at his success, pal.

Kenny Poo

Thursday, April 4, 2013

UPDATE RE: Haley Reinhart's techno club remix, "Hypnotic"

UPDATE: Haley tweeted me the following clarification:

Hey boys! Don't get your panties in a bunch;) When I wrote this, it was intended for a super poppy artist. Not I!

@1philatic1But everything gets leaked! & they like my vocal on it so it may start gettin play in Europe. But I'll just be a ft.

This is completely separate from my sound.. Which I'm working on right now!!:D

My Reply:

Thank I can finally change my panties. ;) Thanks for clarifying, Haley. Can't wait for your real music.



My girl Haley Reinhart has a new electro dance remix available on Soundcloud, called "Hypnotic". No word yet on when or if it will be made available as a single, or why it's been leaked. It could be just a demo she's shopping around for another artist to grab. Or, perhaps it'll be released independently to try and create buzz for a prospective new label. Then again, maybe it's an indication Haley wants to test out the club music waters while she's between albums and labels.

Who knows?

Anyway, it's certainly a long way from "God Bless The Child" with Irvin Mayfield Jr. Perhaps this is a prelude to doing a techno duet with my all time favorite artist (sic), Stefano Langone? [Ouch, that hurt to type]

One thing Haley has indicated in various interviews is she wants to have a more bluesy, rock edge on her next album, so I'm pretty confident Hypnotic will not be packaged on that disc.

So, what does Kenny Poo think of Haley's new club music track? Well, for the sake of all that is good and holy in this world, I am choosing to withhold my opinion. Consider me a true international man of intrigue. An enigma. A douchebag. A pompous, arrogant, know it all motherfucker. OK, maybe the last one goes a bit far, but whatever you are most comfortable with.

Anyway, since I am without speech, please feel share your take on "Hypnotic" in the comment section below.

~Kenny Poo